I'll Leave You With a Thought

It was real.

I feel like that can pretty much define it for me. Currently, I have 45 minutes to type this because I have to be up at 3:30 to get on a plane to upstate New York. Okay back to business since this a grade. Now, the word ‘real’ can have a few connotations. Let’s explore that and learn more about Alex’s life than you would prefer.

So I can’t help but feel a whirl of emotions right now, but those feelings are real and I think that’s pretty neat. It’s the end of the school year, the end of high school, no do overs, and we’ve already seen many last’s: Last high school play, last musical, (soon) last prom, last football game, and many other defining high school moments. But hopefully these aren’t the best years of our lives. Plus we still have exams, prom, and graduation ahead of us, but most importantly the summer without summer assignments. All of this was real, but pretty sucky that it’s about to end. I can only imagine this feeling will escalate as we draw closer to the end.

Memories are real even if they are stories you begin to tell yourself. So cherish those high school memories, even the bad ones because as cheesy as it sounds, they shaped me into the person that I am. We can’t repress everything because then what’s left? I remember the first day of high school, walking into the gym thinking there would be some freshman assembly, or playing with the soccer team, or hearing Baron talk about the IB program so often. I think all my close friendships were real, even if some of them had a falling out, I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world. I kinda had this thing in school where I wanted to become friends with everyone, basically an impossible task but I tackled it going into IB. I made sure I knew everyone by the end of it and it’s kind of a neat feeling because there’s so many unique and interesting people out there and I wish we talked more. I feel like I end up caring about my friends way much more than they care about me or than I care about myself.

Going on another route for the word ‘real’, I’ve struggled with being it. I’ve had a lot of inner conflicts with being ‘real’ with people. How I’ve acted felt different depending on who I was speaking with. I began to hate not knowing why I act certain ways with different people and who I actually was because in all honesty, these different versions of myself felt wrong. I still have a difficult time with the question, “Who am I?”. But yes I get it, that’s something that comes with time and experience but I find it very frustrating right now.

Sidenote: A lot of people are aware that I over share sometimes and obviously I’m doing just that on this post.

I didn’t really plan this out before I started typing so I’ll make a list of some random thoughts or recurring ideas and some possible life advice

• Say what you feel. Even if you don’t think it’s correct or the right time, you can deal with the consequences after instead of letting it build up. It’s better to be yourself and feel how you do. I put up this front junior year to seem very happy all the time. But that wasn’t being me, I was suppressing everything I didn’t want to feel. I’ve adjusted my take on emotions at school to actually let myself be. It was freeing to feel sad or cry. I didn’t have to explain myself. I could try to be me, whoever that is.
• Is our outwards persona just a mask we put on in order to cope with any of our troubles we’d rather forget in the moment? Bc wouldn't it be crazy if you were feeling everything all at once? So much to process.
• Each year the routine of classes becomes mundane. How I’ve countered this is by doing at least one thing each day to make it memorable. Whether it be talking to a new friend, participating in basically anything after school, new places to eat, or new jokes and I keep a journal of this. - Just the other day I was looking through it and feeling very nostalgic.
• Why do people leave without a warning? It sucks but life wouldn’t be interesting if we knew everything and not all surprises have to be good. It’s more how we react to those events and continue on even though it’s scary.
• I’m really enjoying this blog post because it feels like I’m journaling with myself again, but knowingly publishing this on the internet. -Be bold buds.
• Why do I usually end up thinking about one thing for too long? But who’s the say how long is too long?
• Why do I get anxious over what other people think? It shouldn’t matter because they can only affect you if you let it.
• Sometimes I don’t think I deserve to be happy. I know that’s a negative thought but it’s there. But being happy isn’t something we should strive for, rather a finding fulfillment in something you're passionate about? I still haven’t figured that one out.
• Why did I make this blog post so long? I’ve been making up a lot as I go and this is the last one so honestly why not.

So, this is our last post together, and to whomever it may concern, I hope your life continues to change, otherwise that would be boring. I hope you find your place, your people, your purpose.  Stay curious, there’s always more to learn. Seek adventure! It’s out there. Carpe diem. Make your lives extraordinary. Watch the Dead Poets Society. You are alive, you are important, you are worth it, you are beautiful, you are special, you are capable of so much so let’s be real and do yourself a huge favor: step out of your own way, big things can happen.

I challenge you with this: will you let it be real?